While leaving Walmart on Friday I was confronted by an unwashed, greasy version of a hipster-doofus, petitioner who hollered, “Mom! Stop predators from molesting your children!”, waving his clipboard in my direction. First of all, take a bath. And for the love of god wash your hair and throw away that hat. And shave that thin beard that projects how deep you are to the world. Plus, it’s 70 degrees out. Lose the scarf. Secondly, you may want to try a new tactic that doesn’t involve screaming predators molesting your children in public, in front of children. You PSYCHOPATH.

The new Facebook Timeline looks too much like MySpace. All that is left is the ability to customize your background and add music, and we’re there. I like my social networking sites clutter free. Where are the Winklevosses(Winklevoss-i?) when you need them?

Check yerself before you Tweet yerself. Michael Ian Black tweeted on Friday that John Lennon’s solo work was “shitty”. To which I say (deeeep inhale in), Imagine is quite possibly the world’s most perfectly written and executed song. If the chords don’t bring tears to your eyes and the lyrics don’t rock the very core of your being…you have no soul. This is not open for debate, people. The end. (aaaand, exhale)

And in other news: Things that need to stop. Companies advertising things that aren’t actual things. Like, Mazda and “Skyactive Technology”. Rite Aid Pharmacy and “Care One-on-One”. And Blue Buffalo dog food proclaiming they’re the only dog food manufacturer to use “Life Source Bits”. You all made this stuff up as if they’re concepts that consumers have been searching for….O.M.Geeee I’ve been looking long and hard for some dog food with Life Source Bits, I can’t find it anywhere….I would buy this Mercedes but let me ask you, Mr. Carsalesman, does it come equipped with Skyactive Technology? Because otherwise I’m walking right out of here, Mister!….I would go to Walgreens but they don’t offer Care One-on-One. What is that? I dunno. But Rite Aid has it so I’m going there. STOP IT.

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